Mothers "know" best
At least they do in my world
My mother and mother-in-law died within six weeks of one another back in August and September of 2016. A week later my 17 year old daughter boarded a plane for Portugal. There I was holding a bag of whiplash wondering what had happened.
This week in the blog, I was planning on sharing a poem I had started called “Knowing”. Keep it light and serve up a recipe that has nothing to do with turkey so you have something to make once you tire of stuffing and cranberry sauce this weekend.
However, the ladies had other ideas. Curiosity got the best of me. Why did this come up? I think it may be due to the fact that Michael and I are hosting a holiday after a seven year hiatus. We have had gatherings or dinner parties but not a large holiday party within those seven years. We always hosted Christmas Eve with a house full of relatives and friends, plus more for cocktail hour beforehand. Our moms’ birthdays were also in December. It felt like our time hosting had passed along with them. And so began a string of alternative Christmas Eve dinners; at first it was avoidance and then acceptance.
This past weekend we moved furniture, borrowed tables and chairs and set up the dining room for 18 members of our family. Not as many as we’ve had in the past for Christmas but a nice number of our family will be together for Thanksgiving. We are excited to host, to welcome family and to our core we feel joy.
The relationship with my mother and mother-in-law was in community. A knowingness, a familiarity like in my own body. We spent alot of time together socially and my mother also drove to our home at 6 am every Monday and Wednesday to help with childcare and when my mother-in-law retired she came on Fridays. How fortunate we were. The rhythm we had in our homes, on vacations, it's the comfort of a well worn routine, in which one never tires.
We live in modern times and with that modern forms of communication. And while we have access to multiple avenues to share our stories we still have the innate need to pass down traditions and generational advice. For us, it may not have been the same cultural transmissions as in paleolithic times, we were not in life and death situations, but the information was and needed to be translated. In our case, it was supportive and safe, never critical. It was intelligent, curious and fun, gosh so much fun. Laughter, always laughter. And it was such a massive hole when they left so close in time to one another. I do not think I was aware of the intellectual loss and stress for some time.
We had many Sunday Suppers with our larger family group but sometimes it was Margee and Mario (mother/father-in-law), Nancy and Frank (mom and dad) and Michael and me at our house. The six of us cooking, eating and watching football. We continued to have my father and father-in-law over after the moms had passed and one day my father-in-law came into the kitchen where I was standing and said, “I feel so sad for you.” My kitchen overlooked the great room where you stepped down to where the TV and living space was. He continued, “The three of us are down here together and I look back at you and you are all alone where you, Margee and your mom used to be talking and laughing so loudly we sometimes couldn’t hear the game.”
I wasn’t prepared for him to make the observation and I also did not realize what it would feel like to hear it. I was stung and I could’ve fallen to the floor; it's like he was reading my mind. I was so sad and alone but not wanting it pointed out. And for anyone that has had a close relationship with a parent who is no longer with you, you may relate to what I am saying.
I did not fall to the floor because who wants to see that? I did what so many of us do. I deflected and went onto the next thing, the pot on the stove that needed to be stirred, the pan in the oven that needed to be timed, the kids, and all of it. I appreciated him, I did, seeing me for that moment but I couldn’t release, not there, not then. Is any of this feeling familiar?
2016 to 2023 is seven years. I didn’t share many stories. It was too big a void to bring up casually. At work I would often tell stories to bring home a point but none about my mothers. I kept them close and private but I now feel compelled and I don’t know if it is because I am coming out of a hibernation or a darkness. Grief is a strange thing, we deny it, well we know the stages of it, but seven years? Interesting. I mean I was writing a poem about knowingness and I pivoted to my mothers and I am curious as to why but I don’t try to control it anymore. The knowing poem will be a different day. Today I am talking about Nancy and Margee. I guess they are ready to come through. I don’t know what I want to say about them except how fortunate I was to have two strong females, definitely different but so similar, in my life. Quietly leading and I am sure not so quietly behind closed doors. Strong, without having to say a single word and I had that modeled for me. Fierce love for their families, I mean fierce. I feel like weeping as I am writing this. I haven’t allowed them to be front and center for so long it's a little overwhelming. And there is still much in me I have not let out about how special my relationship was with both of these women.
We are hosting a holiday celebration again. Michael and I are close to our cousins from both sides of the family and together we are all keeping our relationships front and center where both Nancy and Margee would say they belong. I am grateful for all of you on this Thanksgiving week. My wish is that you take the time you need to connect with family and friends. I hope it fills you up like nothing else. Enjoy!
Recommended Recipe
Honey sesame delicata squash and cabbage with optional chickpeas and rice
I bought a gorgeous purple cabbage and delicata squash at the farmers market. The recipe I followed is from Justine Snacks and normally calls for kabocha squash. I cannot imagine you don’t know her but if not, you need Justine Doiron in your culinary life. She is just the right amount of storyteller and the best amount of food knowledge and flavor combination. I didn’t know I was going to make a three-part recipe until I was making it but it is not hard, you do need to be organized and have your ingredients prepped and it goes smoothly. I would suggest you do this on a day you are not rushing around or have someone make it for you, even better. You want to be in a lovely state of mind when you have your first bite. The ginger with the cilantro and the rice vinegar along with the honey and toasted sesame. These are not daily flavors I have in my mouth and I think that needs to end. This was a very doable recipe and easy to swap the veg for what you have in your fridge. For example, I think I will make this with delicata and cauliflower on Thanksgiving. I will dress the whole thing with the honey, sesame, tamari drizzle and only half of it with the greens. Not everyone in my family likes greens and vinegar. Aye yi yi…generations of trauma. Ha! Enjoy.
Ingredients
Olive oil
1 large delicata squash
1 purple head of cabbage (smaller side)
1-2 inches of ginger peeled (depends how much zing you want. I like zing)
⅓ C fresh cilantro
2 scallions
⅓ C pomegranate seeds
½ C rice vinegar divided
⅓ C tamari or soy (or coconut aminos if you are not a soy person)
⅓ C honey (maple syrup-vegan)
1 Tbspn toasted sesame oil
Optional: To make a full meal like I did add chickpeas and rice.
If you have been reading my blog you know each week I make a grain and beans so it is easy for me to turn a side dish into a complete meal. Yay to prepping!
Preheat the oven to 425°
On two separate baking sheets (Use parchment paper if you have it-no worries if you don’t)
Slice the delicata squash (leave skin on) in rings. About ¾ inch thick and place around the baking sheet. Drizzle olive oil, salt and pepper on top.
Core the cabbage, cut into small chunks and do the same on the second baking sheet.
Roast both for 25-30 minutes. Squash will be browned on bottom and cabbage a bit charred on top. (I did flip mine and put it back in the oven at the 20 minute mark and left them in for 15 more, but there is no need to do that.)
In the meantime, thinly slice the ginger, cilantro and scallions and add them to a bowl with the pomegranates. Pour 2-3 tablespoons of rice vinegar, pinch of salt, and let it marinate on the side.
In a small saucepan add the remaining rice vinegar, the honey and the tamari. Bring to a simmer and let it reduce by ⅓ or until it is thicker like a syrup. In Justine’s directions it said it would take 4-5 minutes but I had mine on for more like 8-9. Remove from the heat and whisk in the toasted sesame oil–mmm, mm! (Note: I may have had my burner lower than needed but I did not want the syrup to burn if I took my eye off of it. It was not as syrupy as I thought it needed to be but the viscosity and taste was perfect.)
When the squash and cabbage have roasted in the oven, combine into one cookie sheet and drizzle with the sesame honey dressing. Stir, incorporating all veggies.
Optional: Reheat your rice in a saute pan with a little water and add your chick peas or heat in a microwave separately. You can decide if you are adding rice and beans to this dish.
Grab a shallow bowl or plate, add your rice (if using), add the squash and cabbage over the rice, sprinkle the chickpeas or other beans next, and spoon the ginger scallion dressing on top. Be ready to moan.
As I said I will be doubling this recipe (at least) and plating it on a serving platter without the rice and beans for a Thanksgiving side.
Remember, Start with Beans!
Contact
If you have any questions on remembering and letting go or integrating beans for gut health into your daily meals, please email me at Denisemancieri1@gmail.com. Feel free to comment below if there are topics you would like to see.
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Note: I am not a doctor. I am a teacher and an educator with an earned doctorate in educational leadership. I enjoy research and I can parse large amounts of information into easily understood and digestible pieces allowing people to understand what is happening to their body and possible steps to reverse it with food as medicine. I have healed my own GI issues through choices with food. I followed Karen Hurd’s bean protocol diet, I meditated and still do and I healed. I feel compelled to be in service and educate others as the more people eating beans, alongside a healthy diet and sharing their stories the more people will live a healthier existence. Joy, peace and freedom abound. Please see your doctor and discuss nutritional options before you change any course of action with your health.
Beautiful sentiments and memories. Happy Thanksgiving.