The Formula for Having Hard Conversations
and bean pot beans and salad to give you the strength to do it!
There is a reason why this has been sitting in the cue for three weeks. I started writing in the middle of the month with multiple voice notes and journal entries because I wanted to ease the reader into a world where hard conversations are a part of your life. For each conversation you engage in you will get closer to the place where you are supposed to live.
Hard conversations are a form of self care. They are also a form of love and respect for the person with whom you will have the conversation. You may have come to the conclusion that this conversation needs to happen. Often the result will have a positive effect on the other person as well, they may not realize it presently but one day they may thank you.
Although I spent weeks thinking of the perfect way to ease in, I am not going to give air time to fear. The fact is you will come to a place where you know you need to have the conversation. All of us have spent time avoiding this feeling. Avoiding and thinking about the conversation is worse than the actual conversation. When you finally have it you will feel either let down by how easy it was or on a total high at life’s possibilities. Where will you go next?
If you have never had one of these conversations or you’ve tried and then felt uncomfortable and stopped, there is nothing wrong with you, you weren’t ready. If you are ready now you should understand that it will feel uncomfortable this time, too. It's like a muscle, you have to work at it and it gets easier because you know the routine. It is never easy to say something to another human being that they may not want to hear, but it is worth every bit of effort you give to it. While the other person needs to hear what you have to say, understand that the person you are doing it for is yourself. Personally, younger you, who did not have a voice, or future you, who can’t get to where they are going unless this conversation is had. Professionally, a hard conversation could be counseling an employee out of a position not right for them, it may be between two colleagues, or with your boss. It’s not easy but better for both of you.
My Childhood Method
I have been having hard conversations for years. I did not realize at the time that it was a skill in which to build. I grew up watching the Bad News Bears movies and they had a cheer before each game, “2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? The Bears! The Bears! Yay!” When I had to have a hard conversation or do something I perceived as hard, I would say this cheer in my mind, two times and after that I could not do anything fun until I had the conversation or did the thing I was avoiding. It was so hard for me but it worked. You may need to create your own version of this and then practice until you find your rhythm.
As I grew up I did not realize how many people avoided talking about the subject that must be talked about. Most often, if there is conflict it is due to lack of communication or miscommunication. Look around you, most careers you attend to or friendships you have are all about relationships, trusting relationships that must be fed. Part of that work is honest conversations that are not always easy. That's why we refer to these conversations as hard.
You may feel conflicted about this topic. No one sets out to create conflict. In what areas of your life are you waiting to have a conversation? Waiting for the perfect time to do the thing you want to do or say the thing that you want to say. There is no perfect time. If fear wasn’t stopping you what conversations would you have? Where are you hiding and why?
My Adult Method
Hard conversations are just that—hard. But they’re not impossible. If you’ve been avoiding one, this is the process that I use myself or if I am coaching someone and it might give you the nudge you need. It’s simple, actionable, and designed to move you one step closer to doing what matters and becoming more of who you want to be. If we were working together, we’d walk through each step and get crystal clear on what the real issue is—and what outcome you’re hoping for.
1. Say the thing—to yourself first.
Name it. Be honest. Don’t sugarcoat it or soften it. What’s the thing you’ve been avoiding? Say it out loud or write it down.
2. Think back to the original agreement.
What was the promise—spoken or unspoken? It could be with a friend, a partner, a colleague, or an employee. What was the expectation, the understanding, the "contract"?
3. Identify where it’s diverged.
Where has the contract broken down? What’s changed? Make a list. Be specific.
4. If you continue on this road, imagine what happens.
- In work: maybe underperformance, team tension, burnout for you and others.
- In relationships: resentment, loss of self, broken boundaries, unfulfilled dreams.
Get real about the ripple effect.
5. Ask yourself: is staying silent more costly?
Your energy, your health, your time, your relationships—what are they worth? Decide what you're no longer willing to lose.
6. Make time.
Make a date to talk. No more avoiding.
7. Have the conversation—with love and truth.
I know, easier said than done. You've prepared for this. Speak clearly, from the heart, and hit all the key points. Stay grounded. Stay kind. Say what needs to be said.
8. Move forward—with clarity or closure.
You might reset and move forward together with new expectations. Or you may part ways, knowing it’s what’s best. Either way, you’ve made space for what’s next. And you will feel it.
Unsolicited Advice
If you are going to try this process I would like to give you a bit of unsolicited advice especially if you are not one to often say what is on your mind.
Previously, I wrote that if you have these conversations it will be uncomfortable, even if you are ready, you have done the planning, and the time is right. It may feel inauthentic because you have never done this before. If you know to your core that you must have this conversation, then it is right. Because you have not done it before it will feel like “not you.” Before you stop, ask yourself, do I feel this way because it is unfamiliar? If yes, that's ok, keep going. Unfamiliar is not fake, its just you not feeling this way before.
The more you try the more familiar it will feel. It's like any new habit you have to do it multiple times before it feels better in your body. Don’t allow the voice in your head who wants to run to shame you into not trying. I am uncomfortable every time I have to have one of these conversations whether it's with someone with whom I love dearly and need to be real or with someone I respect at work. We must have the conversation allowing us both to grow and be who we were meant to be.
This is not new advice but if we take a small step each day in the direction of our dreams, before we know it we are there. On the other side of this hard conversation your best life awaits.
Mad love,
Denise
Recommended Recipes
Bean pots and guts for a week-long salad-it never lasts a week.
My uncle is moving this week. He has lived in the family home and it got to be too much. My sister has been helping him pack things up and she told me he had some ceramic bean pots.
I was thrilled to take one home and try it out. My Nana would stock her pantry with cans of baked beans but I never saw this pot being used. I thought I would give it a go. I decided to make black beans on top of the stove, my usual method to ensure I have a pot of beans this week. Then I used similar ingredients: celery, carrots, onion, garlic, bayleaf and other herbs, with dried cannelini beans. I soaked the beans overnight, added all of the aromatics, the beans in their soaking water and then added more water to cover by 1.5”. I placed a piece of foil over the wide mouth top of the bean pot and then pushed the lid on top to have a secure closure for when it boiled or bubbled.
The ceramic pot is likely close to 100 years old therefore, I decided to put it into the oven cold and preheat both the oven and the pot together to 350 degrees hoping it would not crack. It worked.
I set my timer for two hours. Removed the lid, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The beans were a little toothy but almost done. I added salt and placed them back in the oven for another 30 minutes and removed them. I did not want them to turn to mush and they didn’t. Sometimes my white beans can disintegrate or get a bit mushy on top of the stove. Happily the bean pot method allowed them to keep their shape. I roasted some tomatoes and added garlic confit, pesto and buckwheat groats and had a lovely bowl of beans.
Do you want to see it in action? Click on the video below.
Prepping the salad.
When I take the time to prep for a big salad I never lose. You need most of the ingredients to be crunchy; they get better in the dressing each day. For me, that was the following:
1/4-1/2 Purple cabbage shredded or sliced thin
3 stalks celery, chopped
1/2 red onion, chopped in bits
1-2 peppers—any color, chopped
1-2 cucumbers, peeled and chopped the way you like them
to that I added
artichoke hearts (I used the small glass jar, sometimes its 1/2 a can)
2-3 green onions/scallions (green parts only—save the bottoms to put in bean pot.
feta—1/4-1/2 cup
In season I will also add tomatoes, and other herbs and berries—Add the amount you like. Once you have that all chopped up you have the main salad. You can add bib lettuce, spinach, arugula, you get it. I added my black beans, or whatever beans I made that week and sometimes I will add a scoop of pasta but the ratio is always 2:1 or 3:1, at least, veggie/salad to pasta. I also make a version of this with quinoa.
If I need a quick snack I can scoop into a bowl and have it with crackers or corn chips. it never disappoints.
Make a quick dressing, for me, this time it was
Juice of 1 lemon
1 clove minced garlic
1 tsp oregano.
1/2 cup of olive oil
salt and pep to taste
I like my dressing lemony. If it is too acidic for you add more olive olive (up to another 1/4 c).
Enjoy and start with beans!
Contact
If you have any questions on hard conversations, eating beans consistently for gut health, now and into the near future, please email me at Denisemancieri1@gmail.com. If you want to “Pick My Brain” we can schedule a time on the phone to talk. Feel free to comment below if there are topics you would like to see.
Please share this newsletter with others if you find it may assist them in adding beans to their diet. Or click the heart, below left, so I know you were here. Thank you!
Note: I am not a doctor. I am a teacher and an educator with an earned doctorate in educational leadership. I enjoy research and I can distill large amounts of information into easily understood and digestible pieces allowing people to understand what is happening to their body and possible steps to reverse it with food as medicine. I have healed my own GI issues through choices with food. I followed Karen Hurd’s bean protocol diet, I meditated and still do and I healed. I feel compelled to be in service and educate others as the more people eating beans, alongside a healthy diet and sharing their stories the more people will live a healthier existence. Joy, peace and freedom abound. Please see your doctor and discuss nutritional options before you change any course of action with your health.